Chain Reaction
by Taz Maniac
Summary: ::COMPLETE:: When Eric returns to Chicago, Carter may be the only one who can help Abby. ::Carby::
1. Eric Returns

A/N: This is a completely AU story, set a month after Kisangani. No spoilers, though.  
  
Chapter 1  
"Your brother's here." Those were the words that greeted Abby as she walked into the ER.  
She looked behind her, sure Frank was addressing someone else. When she saw no one, she pointed to herself and said, "Me?"  
Frank rolled his eyes. "Who else?" he asked. He turned away from her to answer the phone.  
Abby was in shock. What the heck saw Eric doing in Chicago? Ever since he ran away from the psych ward of the hospital, Abby had been wondering where he was, and praying that he was alright. Her shock immediately faded into relief. Eric was alright! She looked around, eager to verify this fact for herself.  
"Abby! It's so good to see you!" Eric had approached her from behind. He picked her and twirled her around.  
Her face automatically broke into a grin at the sight of her little brother. "Eric! I was so worried about you! Where have you been?" She turned to look at him.  
He smiled at her. "Oh, I've been everywhere. The world's a big place, Abby. I brought another plane and I've been traveling around the world. I even took these rich people on a tour in Sydney and they paid me like two hundred bucks for half a hour's flying..."  
As Abby listened to him ramble, the smile slid off her face. She could tell that he wasn't on his medication. She watched as her brother smiled, laughed, and gestured wildly, and she felt like crying. She had had such high hopes, that maybe he would stay on his medication and have some chance at a normal life. But he was throwing it all away. She knew that he didn't want to admit he had a problem, but he couldn't live the rest of his life like this!  
Abby wanted to ask him about his medication, but she didn't have the heart to. He looked so happy. She decided that she would ask him later.  
Eric's pager beeped, and he checked it and said, "Oops, I gotta go. I'll come by and see you, okay? You still live at the same place?" Abby nodded. "Okay, I'll be there whenever I'm done. See you later!" Eric kissed Abby on the cheek then walked out the door, whistling.  
Susan walked by, a chart in her hand. "Was that your brother?" she asked. Abby nodded. "He looked well."  
Abby nodded again and quickly walked away from Susan. She didn't want to have to tell her just how unwell Eric was.  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
Carter got his jacket out of his locker in the lounge. "You ready to go?" he asked, turning to face Abby.  
Abby pasted a fake smile on her face. "Actually, I have some paperwork to do. I'm just gonna hang around here for a while."  
Carter frowned. He could tell something was wrong with Abby. "What's wrong?" he asked, sitting across from her at the small employee table.  
Abby laughed. "There has to be something wrong for me to do paperwork?" she joked. Carter didn't laugh. "Nothing's wrong, Carter. I just have to do this paperwork. I'll see you later, okay?"  
Carter sighed and got up from the table. He could see that she wasn't going to tell him. It didn't surprise him. Ever since he had gotten back from Africa, their relationship had been somewhat strained. It seemed like it wasn't as easy for them to talk to each other anymore. Now, every conversation had to be planned. They had lost so much of the casual comfort with each other that they used to have.  
He considered pressing the issue, but decided that she would tell him when she was ready. "Well, I guess I'll see you later," he said stiffly. He walked quickly out the door of the lounge.  
Abby watched his retreating figure. Things are so messed up between us, she thought. She felt like he had abandoned her, he felt like she had abandoned him, and they were both still mad. Abby knew that an inevitable talk was coming, but they had been putting it off because neither of them really wanted to have it. So they existed in this mutual discomfort. Abby put her head down on the table and groaned.  
She didn't want to tell Carter that Eric was back. She didn't want his help, and she SURE didn't want his advice, so she decided to keep Eric's arrival to herself. Hopefully, she would somehow be able to convince Eric to go into treatment again. But that didn't seem very likely, considering how happy he looked. Still, she had to try.  
Once she was sure Carter was gone, she headed home. Eric had said that he would swing by her place, so hopefully he would show up sometime soon. As frustrating as he was, she had missed him.  
When Abby got to her building, she saw someone sitting on the steps. Immediately, she knew who it was. "Hi, Eric," she said, fishing out her keys.  
"Hey Abby."  
"You been waiting out here long?"  
"No, not that long. About ten minutes, tops." The two of them walked into her apartment.  
"You want some coffee, or something to eat?" she asked him. Eric shook his head.  
"No, I'm fine." He stood in the middle of her living room, jiggling his leg. Abby had noticed that whenever he was manic he was always very fidgety. She sat down and gestured for him to do the same.  
Eric flopped down on the sofa next to her. "It's really nice to see you again, Abby. I'm sorry that I didn't call or anything."  
"Eric, do you know how worried I was about you? I didn't even know if you were alive!" Abby tried not to raise her voice, but failed. She didn't want to sound like she was preaching at him.  
Eric tried to look sorry. "I'm really sorry about that. And I'm sorry about ruining John's grandma's funeral. I shouldn't have acted like that."  
Abby realized this was the best opening she was going to get. "The only reason you acted like that was because you weren't on your medication." Eric didn't respond. "Are you on your medication now?"  
Eric sighed. "Look, Abby, I really appreciate you worrying about me and everything, but I'm fine, really."  
"You're not, are you?" Abby dreaded his respond.  
Eric threw his hands up in the air. "God, is that all you think about? Maybe you haven't realized this yet, but life is about more than medication. How about 'Hi Eric nice to see you how've ya been'?"  
Abby sighed. She knew he would respond like this. "It's just that I'm worried about you-"  
"Oh great, now the old 'worried about you' line. When all else fails, Abby can always bring that one out." Eric acted like he was talking to an audience, and Abby realized that she had never seen him this manic before. The disease was at its peak. She had underestimated his symptoms at the hospital, because he had seemed calmer when he was happy.  
"Eric, I don't want you to be like Maggie. She was crazy-"  
"And I'm not like her," Eric interrupted. "I'll never be like her, cause I'll never let myself get that out of control."  
"It's not about control, Eric," Abby said wearily. She felt like she had said these words so many times, and they always fell on deaf ears.  
"Another oldie but goodie!" Eric shouted to the imaginary crowd. "And now, Abby's going to tell me that I have a DISEASE, and if I ever want to be like all the normal people of the world, I have to be medicated like an animal for the rest of my life." Eric turned away from his invisible audience to face his sister. "Sorry, Abby, but no deal."  
Abby bit her lip. She hated to see her brother like this. Couldn't he see how out of control he was? "Eric, you know that this is too big for you to handle alone-"  
"Oh, save it, Abby. If you don't mind, just spare me the canned speeches. I've heard them all before, and they don't sound any better this time." Eric walked towards the door. "I don't know why I came here. You're never gonna change. I guess I should have figured that out by now."  
"Oh, like you are? You're becoming just like Maggie, Eric."  
Eric slowly turned around to face her. There was an angry glint in his eye. "I am NOTHING like Maggie," he yelled angrily.  
Normally, Abby would have realized that things were getting out of control, and backed down. But she was so desperate to make Eric see what he was really like that she pressed forward. "You are becoming JUST LIKE HER. You're gonna BE just like her if you don't get some help."  
Eric was mad now. "Who do you think you are, a psychic? You don't know what I'm going to be. What you need to do is mind your own business," he yelled at her.  
"And watch you die?"  
"Oh give me a break. You think you know everything! Well, you don't. So just stay out of my business!"  
"No, Eric. I'm your sister. I can't just stand by and watch you kill yourself!"  
Eric scowled. "I am so sick of you," he growled. He was furious at Abby for interfering like this. He was a grown man, and he didn't need Abby telling him how to run his life. "What I do is absolutely none of your business."  
"Eric, you need help," Abby said, fighting back tears. Here was the brother she had practically raised, glaring at her like she was his arch nemesis. Didn't he see what the disease was doing to him?  
"SHUT UP!" Eric yelled. He was so sick of her acting like she knew everything. Well, he knew how to put her in her place. His hand jammed into his pocket and it flew back out, but this time, it wasn't empty. Abby gasped.  
"Eric, put the knife away," she said quietly, eyeing him with fear.  
Eric smirked at her. "What, no more cutesy sayings? Aren't you supposed to tell me now how we can work through this?"  
Abby took a step towards him. "Eric, please-"  
"Don't come near me!" he screamed.  
In all fairness, Eric didn't mean to cut her. But she came too close, and it seemed like the knife flew out of his hands. Next thing he knew, Abby was laying on the floor, bleeding.  
"Oh, my God," Eric said, looking in horror at his sister. What had happened? What had he done? Pocketing the knife, he ran out the door.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Carter lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He thought about his encounter with Abby in the lounge. We're going to have to talk about this at some point, he realized. We can't go on like this, living in awkward silence.  
But Carter didn't want to talk about it. He loved Abby, and he didn't want to lose her because he said something stupid. Which was why he hadn't said anything yet.  
But is what we have right now much better than not having anything? Carter thought about it for a while, and realized that it wasn't. So they had to talk. Even if it didn't solve anything, they needed to clear the air.  
Grabbing his keys, Carter headed for the Jeep. 


	2. Whodunnit?

Chapter 2  
I can't believe Eric cut me. What happened to my little brother?  
I'm sorry, Eric. I failed you. I did everything I could to protect you from bipolar disorder, and now it has consumed you. I wish I had been a better sister, that I had kept you from becoming like this. I feel wetness on my face and realize that I'm crying.  
I'm also bleeding. I'm bleeding because my brother, who I took care of and loved his entire life, has just cut me. I'm bleeding because Eric doesn't want to admit that he can't control this.  
Maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe this will make him see that he's out of control, that he needs to get help for this, and make him start taking his medication.  
I realize that I'm going to have to get up off the floor. I do so, slowly, but I still feel dizzy. I look down and realize that my carpet will be ruined if I don't clean it in the next hour. I better hurry up and bandage this wound. I don't have the money for new carpet.  
I stagger into the bathroom. I'm starting to see black spots in front of my eyes, and know it's because of the blood loss. I consider going to the hospital, but know I can't. Whenever someone comes in with a knife wound, the hospital is required to call the cops, and I'm not telling them that my brother attacked me. I've already gotten him arrested once; I think that's enough.  
I see that there's blood on the bathroom floor, and I'm confused. How did that get there? I realize that I must still be bleeding. Where did I put my first aid kit?  
My shirt is soaked with blood, so I take it off and throw it on the toilet. It makes a squishing sound when it lands. I keep searching for the first aid kit; I could have sworn I put it in the bathroom.  
I lean against the counter because I'm feeling dizzy again. I think I'm going to pass out. I hear footsteps quickly approaching, and know that Eric must be back.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Carter let himself into Abby's apartment. It was dark and quiet. "Abby?" he called, turning on the light.  
As soon as the light came on, he saw the blood. It was everywhere: in front of the door, on the couch, and trailing towards the bedroom. Carter's first thought was that Abby had been murdered. Oh God, he thought. What if I never see her again? What if I never get to tell her I'm sorry?  
Carter raced into the bedroom, where the blood seemed to be leading. "Abby?" he yelled, panic-stricken. The trail led into the bathroom. He ran to the door- and found it locked.  
"Abby? Are you okay? Open the door!" Carter yelled, jiggling the doorknob.  
"Go away Carter," Abby said. She couldn't let Carter find out. She couldn't let him call the police on Eric!  
"Open the door!" Carter said, slamming against it. There was so much blood on the carpet; how could there be any left in her body?  
Abby leaned on the sink, fighting unconsciousness. She knew that she had lost too much blood, but she couldn't betray Eric. She had to help him, no matter what.  
The door gave way on the fifth heave. Carter burst into the bathroom. He saw Abby leaning on the counter, eyes half closed. Her pants were covered in blood. Then he saw the wound.  
Abby had a long, jagged gash going across her abdomen. Carter immediately knew it was a knife wound. He was reminded of the day when he was stabbed, the day he had let Lucy die. He couldn't let that happen to Abby.  
"I don't wanna go to the hospital," Abby murmured, with her eyes half closed. Carter wrapped her in a towel and picked her up. He wasn't going to let her die too. "Don't worry, Abby, you're gonna be okay," he said as he carried her out the door.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________  
  
Carter sat by Abby's hospital bed, rubbing his eyes. Thank God she hadn't died. Once they got to County, they had given her a few units of blood and she started looking much better. Fortunately, her wound was not as deep as it had seemed to Carter. Though she would need a lot of stitches, she probably would not need surgery. Carter was just relieved to find out that she was going to live.  
When he saw her like that, bleeding so profusely, he thought she was going to die. He thought he had lost her forever. And now, he had her back. He promised himself that he wouldn't waste this opportunity. He would try his best to make things right with Abby. He might not forgive him for leaving her, but he could at least ask her to. He wasn't going to spend another day living in limbo like this.  
As if on cue, Abby stirred for the first time in hours. "Abby?" Carter said quietly, taking her hand.  
"John," Abby said weakly. "What happened?" Her whole memory was a blur. What was she doing in the hospital?  
"I was going to ask you the same thing. Somebody attacked you in your apartment. I came over and there was blood everywhere." Carter looked in her eyes and he could tell that she was remembering now. "Who did this to you?"  
Abby bit her lip. She didn't want to rat Eric out; what good would it do? Hopefully, this whole incident had made him realize that he needed help, and now he would get it. If this didn't convince him, nothing would.  
"Um, could we talk about this later? I'm kind of tired."  
Carter wondered what had happened to her. Someone had snuck into her apartment and attacked her, and now she didn't want to talk about it? "The police were here. They want to talk to you too."  
"I don't want to file a report."  
Now Carter knew something was wrong. "Why not? Who did this to you?"  
Abby lowered her eyes. "I...I fell on some broken glass," she said. She knew that this was completely impossible, but maybe Carter would buy it.  
He didn't. "Abby, I'm a doctor. I know what a knife wound looks like. Tell me what really happened."  
"That is what really happened."  
Carter sighed. He would stake his entire career on the fact that Abby hadn't gotten cut on a piece of glass. He didn't understand why she was lying to him. "Why won't you tell me the truth?"  
Abby scowled at him, but she was trying to hide the tears that were coming to her eyes. "You're not my mother, Carter. I don't have to report to you."  
Carter stared at her. "Where is this hostility coming from? I just want to know what happened!"  
Abby folded her arms. "I already told you what happened," she said stubbornly.  
It was only after Carter had left that she allowed herself to cry.  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
The detective closed his writing pad. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do."  
"But there's a dangerous person on the loose!"  
"She said she fell on a piece of glass. We have to go by that."  
"Well, I am a doctor, and I can tell you that the injury she has was NOT inflicted by a piece of glass. It was inflicted by a knife."  
The detective shrugged. "Sorry, but we can't do anything if she doesn't want to press charges."  
Carter sighed in frustration. He still couldn't get Abby to tell him who had attacked her, and the police wouldn't do anything. What if her attacker struck again?  
He was struck with a sudden thought. What if ABBY had held the knife? What if she had done this to herself? He realized that would be one reason she wouldn't want police to investigate. That also explained why she wouldn't let him in the bathroom, and why she claimed there was no attacker. She was protecting herself!  
The more Carter thought about it, the more he realized that it was the only explanation that made any sense. He couldn't imagine why Abby had done this to herself, but it was obvious that she needed serious help. Carter decided that, no matter what was wrong, he would still support her, and stay with her. Now all he had to do was ask her if his suspicions were true.  
Dreading the confrontation, Carter walked towards the door. 


	3. What Really Happened

Chapter 3  
Carter walked into the hospital room and saw that Abby was awake, staring at the wall. She jumped when he walked in.  
"Abby? Can we talk?"  
"About what?" she asked, her expression guarded.  
"About what happened."  
"There's nothing to talk about," Abby said in a hesitant voice.  
Carter knelt down next to the bed. "Abby please, I begging you, tell me what happened. I want to help you. I don't want you to get hurt." Carter held his breath, praying that Abby would tell him the truth.  
Abby looked at Carter. She really loved him. He seemed sincere. Maybe he really wanted to help. But what would he do if he found out that her own brother had hurt her?  
Carter could see the indecision on her face. "Please, Abby. I love you. I just want to help you. Please tell me who did this to you."  
Abby started crying. She didn't want to do this, to tell Carter that her brother was officially insane. She prayed that Eric was okay now.  
Carter wrapped his arms around her. "It's okay, baby," he said, rubbing her back as she cried. She felt safe in his arms. She knew that, if she told him, he would try to help.  
"It- it was Eric," she confessed, wiping tears from her face.  
Carter's jaw dropped. "Your brother?" he asked. She nodded, and he was shocked. He was sure that Abby was going to tell him that she had done it, but Eric!  
Then again, that made sense. She was trying to protect her brother. Even though he was manic, she didn't want him to get hurt.  
"He was manic?" Carter asked, although he already knew the answer. Why else would he attack her?  
Abby nodded. "He got mad when I asked him about his medication-" she was cut off by a fresh flood of tears. Talking about what had happened made her feel worse than she thought it would. She was glad Carter was here.  
He tightened his arms around her. "I'm so sorry, Abby. I'm sorry he did this to you," Abby nodded. "I am, too," she said.  
When she had stopped crying, Carter said, "So what are we going to do?"  
"We have to find Eric," Abby said.  
"If you press charges, the police will help us look," Carter reminded her.  
"I don't want to press charges, John."  
"You could drop them after we found him-"  
"No. I already got him arrested once. I don't want to do that again."  
"So where are we supposed to look?"  
"I don't know. I guess we can find out where he was living, and start there. I think maybe he'll call me."  
"Why would he call you?"  
"Once he's not manic, he'll realize what he did. Hopefully, that will make him willing to get help."  
"What if it makes him cycle down?" Carter asked, reminding her of the other part of the disease.  
"That's why we have to find him."  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
I sit on the flimsy bed, crying. In the next room, I could hear two people arguing about their rent. Well, when you stay in a cheap motel, you expect thin walls.  
I wipe the tears from my face and lay down on the bed. It doesn't matter; they will soon be replaced with new ones. Ever since I got to the motel, it seems like I have been crying nonstop.  
I can't believe what I did to Abby. I can't believe that I hurt the one person who has always loved me, who ever truly cared about me. Sure, I've had girlfriends over the years, but they've come and gone. I've always known that Abby was the one person I could count on, the one who would always be there for me. And now I hurt her. I might have even killed her. I wouldn't know, since I was too much of a coward to stick around and at least call an ambulance.  
I remember the last time I saw Abby. She was lying on the floor, bleeding, with this shocked expression on her face. She couldn't believe I had hurt her. I can't believe it, either. I can't believe what a monster this disease has turned me into.  
I murdered her. Abby is dead now, and it's because of me. I don't see how she could have lived. She was bleeding so much. All because of me.  
I realize that there is nothing I can do to fix this, no magic words that will make her better again. I killed her. She's dead, and I'll never see her again.  
Another sob escapes my lips, and I realize what a disgusting person I am. The police will probably be coming for me now; I am a murderer. But I deserve to be arrested for this. I deserve to die. I wish I could see her one last time, tell her how sorry I am for all of this.  
I wish it wasn't my fault.  
I don't think I can live with all this guilt.  
I realize what I have to do. 


	4. Gone

Chapter 4  
I sit by the hospital bed, trying to keep myself from crying. I don't know how to break it to her, how to tell her that he's gone. That that coward left her with all the problems after he hurt her so badly. If he wasn't already dead, I'd kill him myself.  
Abby's going to be so devastated when she finds out. I know how much she loved Eric. I know how much he meant to her. She practically raised him. How could he do this to her?  
And now she's all alone. She doesn't want a relationship with Maggie, so Eric is the only family she has. Well, had.  
I look at her, resting peacefully. What will I do when she wakes up? How will I tell her that her brother is dead?  
I would give anything to bring him back. We could've forced him to get some help. I should've make Abby press charges. Why didn't I hire a PI as soon as I found out? There are so many regrets.  
I look at Abby once more. For the first time in days, she looks happy. And now, I have to shatter that happiness. I have to ruin her life.  
I decide that she will not be alone in this. I will stay with her no matter what. I love her. I know how hard this is going to be for her. She'll probably try to push me away. She'll hurt me to try and make me abandon her. But I won't. No matter how much she hurts me, I won't leave her. She's going to need a friend.  
Abby's moving. Her eyes are opening. It's time to tell her.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
When Maggie got the letter, she wasn't sitting down. After she read the letter, she sat down. Actually, she fell down, onto the floor. She sat there for a while, not believing her eyes. Tears blurred her eyes, and they fell onto the paper. She wiped them away and gazed at the letter again. It couldn't be true, could it? This had to be some kind of sick joke.  
With shaking hands, Maggie picked up the phone. She already had the number, and she dialed it with trembling hands.  
"County General," said a man's voice.  
"Um, is Abby Lockhart there?" Maggie asked hesitantly. She feared what his answer would be.  
"She's gone." Frank said quietly. He had had a throat infection last week, so for once he was saying everything quietly.  
"Oh. Okay. I understand." Maggie said tearfully. She knew what he meant.  
"Do you want me to tell her to call you when she gets back in?" Frank asked. A pause, then, "Hello?"  
But Maggie had already hung up the phone.  
  
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"What's wrong?" Abby asked. She had been feeling alright when she woke up, but as soon as she saw Carter's face she knew that something was terribly wrong.  
Carter took her hand in his and looked into her eyes. This was not going to be easy.  
"Is it Eric? Did you find him?" Carter nodded his head slowly. "Well, where is he? Is he alright?"  
Carter solemnly shook his head. "He's gone, Abby," he said quietly.  
"What?" Abby stammered. "What do you mean, he's gone? Where is he?" She knew what Carter meant, but she wanted to pretend for just one more moment that it wasn't true.  
"He's dead, Abby."  
"No. No. He- he can't be dead. He can't be dead!"  
"I'm sorry, Abby."  
"NO! Eric can't be dead!" Her face was frozen, a mask of horror. Eric had been fine just two days ago; he couldn't be dead!  
Carter took her in his arms. "He is," he whispered. "I'm sorry." He held Abby tightly in his arms.  
"No...no," Abby whispered mournfully, clutching Carter's shirt. She needed something to hold onto. She felt like she was falling off the edge of the earth. How could Eric be dead? She had just seen him yesterday!  
She thought of the smiling little boy that she had sent off to school, the nervous teenager who had asked for her advice on girls. She would never see him again. Her mind couldn't seem to grasp that. How could he be gone?  
She wished she hadn't made him mad. She should have just accepted the way he was, and tried more discreetly to get him into treatment. Instead, she had confronted him head-on, made him mad, made him cut her and panic. She had killed him, in a way. If she hadn't antagonized him, he would still be alive.  
Carter was murmuring comforting words in her ears, but she couldn't hear them. She felt like she would never be happy again. How could the world to continue to go on when Eric was dead? Abby had a feeling that if she looked out the window, she would see everything frozen, exactly the way it was when Eric had taken his last breath.  
"I want him back," Abby whimpered into Carter's shoulder. She couldn't imagine how she could live without Eric. Even though she hadn't seen him as much once they were adults, she had always known she could check up on him, make sure he was okay. Now, she would never talk to him again. She couldn't bear the thought of him not being there anymore.  
But he was gone. Gone forever. And she would never see him again.  
  
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Susan walked up to the figure sitting on the hospital bench. "How're you doing?" she asked, sitting down next to him.  
Carter sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know. I really- I could just kill Eric." He paused, then added, "Well, I guess it's a little late for that." He turned to look at Susan. "It's so selfish, you know? He killed himself because he felt bad about what he did to Abby. So now he's dead and he doesn't have to worry about her, but she's worrying about him. She's crying for him, and losing sleep for him, and feeling sad about him. And he didn't care about her enough to just stay alive. He knew how much this would hurt her, but all he cared about was what he was feeling."  
"He was probably depressed," Susan reminded him.  
Carter sighed. "I know, but that doesn't make it any easier. He's still gone."  
Susan nodded. "How's Abby?" she asked.  
"Really upset. She hasn't eaten, or slept, or done much of anything since she found out." Carter stood up. "It's so unfair. He's the one who did this, but she's left feeling guilty."  
"What's she gonna do?"  
"I dunno. She hasn't talked to Maggie yet. Maybe she'll be able to help. I know they don't have the greatest relationship, but Abby needs family right now."  
"You should call her. They should be together right now."  
Carter nodded. "You're right. I'm gonna go and call her right now."  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
Carter walked into the darkened room and was relieved to see that Abby was asleep. She hadn't gotten any rest in the past day; it would do her good. He sat down by the bed quietly, hoping not to wake her up.  
Her eyes flew open as soon as he sat down. "Hi," she said quietly.  
"Hi. How're you doing?"  
Abby sighed. "Okay, I guess." She paused. "Carter, how did he die?"  
Carter looked down. He assumed she knew; he didn't want to have to tell her. "He killed himself."  
Abby closed her eyes. "How?" she whispered.  
"Are you sure you want to know?"  
She nodded. Carter took a deep breath. "He slit his wrists."  
Abby squeezed her eyes shut, but a tear leaked out before she could stop it. "Was it the same knife?"  
"I don't know," Carter lied. It was the same one, but he didn't want to burden her with any extra guilt.  
"It probably was," Abby said, her voice shaking. "He killed himself with my knife."  
Carter put his hand on her arm. "Abby, this isn't your fault," he said, but he knew that she blamed herself.  
Abby looked up at him, her face etched with sorrow. "Yes it is. I pushed him into this. I was trying to make him go into treatment, and I was just pushing too hard. He cut me before he could even think about it, then killed himself because he felt guilty."  
"That still doesn't make it your fault," Carter said.  
Abby sat up in bed and looked him straight in the eye. "Would he be dead if he hadn't come here?" Abby said. Carter didn't know what to say. He knew that Eric would probably still be alive if he hadn't come here, but he didn't want to make Abby feel any worse.  
When he didn't answer, she said, "That's what I thought."  
"Abby, you were trying to help him. If you hadn't confronted him, he would have ended up getting into trouble sooner or later. Manic people can get out of control. Who knows what he would have done. You were trying to stop him before he did something serious."  
"If I hadn't said anything, he would still be alive," Abby repeated stubbornly.  
"Yeah, but what kind of life would he have? He would be living on the brink, and one day he would do something crazy and get himself killed, and you would wonder why you hadn't confronted him."  
Abby was silent for a while, then she said, "I guess this was just a lose-lose situation."  
"You did the best you could, Abby."  
"But it wasn't enough," she said sadly.  
"You did what anyone would have done." She stared down at the sheets glumly. "Look at me," he said, tilting her chin up so that her eyes met his. "You did the best thing you could have done. You tried to help him. It isn't your fault that he didn't want your help."  
"I wish I could have saved him," Abby said hoarsely, fighting back tears.  
"I do too," Carter said sadly.  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
Abby's teeth started chattering as soon as they left the airplane. "God, it's freezing out here," she said, pulling her hat down over her ears.  
Carter shrugged. "After all these years living in Chicago, I think I'm immune to cold."  
"Well, I'm not. Give me Hawaii any day." 


	5. To Maggie's House We Go

"I think you should go and see Maggie," Carter said. He and Abby were sitting in her apartment, staring blankly at the TV screen. A sitcom was on, but neither of them was really watching it.  
As Abby listened to the canned laughter, she thought, I wonder how many of them are really happy. I wonder how many of them are just laughing to hide their pain. Maybe some of them are having a good time now, but they know their lives at home are miserable, and this is just a short reprieve from the suffering.  
She realized that maybe she was overanalyzing this sitcom.  
"Abby?"  
Abby jumped. "What?" she said. She hadn't realized that he was talking to her.  
"I said I think you should go see Maggie."  
Abby laughed humorlessly. "I think I have enough problems now without having to deal with Maggie."  
"Abby, she's your mother. I know you guys don't really get along, but maybe you could help each other through this."  
Abby thought for a moment. Could anything good come out of talking to Maggie? She thought about it, and realized it was worth a try. After all, he was Maggie's son too. Maybe they could help each other. "I guess maybe I could call her," Abby said finally.  
"I already tried calling her. She's not answering."  
"So what do you think, we should just go over there?"  
Carter nodded. "Yeah. You need to see her. I think it would be good for both of you."  
Abby thought about it. "I guess that might be a good idea." She paused, then said, "You don't have to come, John. I could-"  
"I'm coming," Carter said abruptly. "I don't want you to have to go through this alone."  
"Thanks," she said. "Even though you might not have a job when we get back to Chicago, thanks."  
Carter smiled. "I think Kerry will cut us a little slack this time," he said. "So when do you want to leave?"  
"As soon as possible."  
"I'll call the airline."

Abby's teeth started chattering as soon as they left the airplane. "God, it's freezing out here," she said, pulling her hat down over her ears.  
Carter shrugged. "After all these years living in Chicago, I think I'm immune to cold."  
"Well, I'm not. Give me Hawaii any day."  
Carter smiled. This was the first normal, casual conversation they had had since she found out. It gave him hope that maybe, one day, things could be normal again.  
"Should we try and call her again before we get there?"  
Abby nodded. "I'll call." She dialed her cell phone and let it ring ten times before hanging up. "Nope, still not there. I hope she didn't move or something."  
They got in their rental car and drove to Maggie's house. Carter pointed to the driveway. "There's her car," he said.  
Abby looked mad. "So she's home but she didn't answer?" Then she was worried. "I hope she's okay."  
They walked up to the house and knocked on the door. "Maggie?" Abby called, peering through the window. "Maggie? Are you in there?"  
Carter walked around to the back of the house. "Hello? Maggie? You in there?"  
"You see anything?" Abby asked, meeting him on the side of the house.

Now it was Carter's turn to look worried. "No. I think we should go talk to the neighbors, see if anyone has a key."  
They knocked on the doors of two nearby houses, but no one answered. "Let's go look for a key. I remember that Maggie used to always keep one on the porch somewhere."  
They walked back over to the house and started searching the porch. After a few seconds, Carter said, "I found one!" He held up a gleaming key.  
"Where was it?" Abby asked.  
"Taped to the bottom of this chair."  
Abby laughed. "Trust Maggie to put it someplace weird like that," she said.  
Carter smiled. "Ready to go in?" he asked. She nodded. He put the key in the door, and they walked into Maggie's house.  
"It's freezing in here," Abby observed. Her breath puffed in a frosty cloud in front of her to affirm her statement.  
Carter cast a worried glance on the thermostat. It went down to fifty, and the needle was laying flat on its side. Carter figured it was about 40 degrees. "Maggie?" he called, walking into the house. Why was it so cold?  
Abby wrapped her coat around her. "Something's wrong here. Her car's outside, but the heat hasn't been on in a while. What's going on?" she said in a trembling voice.  
"Maybe she's off her medication," he said, though he prayed she wasn't. He had brought Abby here so Maggie could comfort HER, not vice versa. But it seemed that Maggie being off her medication was the best case scenario.  
He held Abby's hand as they walked into Maggie's room. He was sure that, whatever was waiting for them in there, it wasn't going to make Abby feel any better.


	6. What Maggie Did

Chapter 6  
"Maggie?" he whispered, tiptoeing into the room. Then they saw her.  
Abby screamed and stood frozen in the middle of the room, staring in horror at the sight before her eyes. Carter grabbed her and turned her face towards his chest, hoping he could protect her from the horrible sight that had greeted them.  
Abby cried and pounded on his chest. "NO!" she screamed, tears gushing down her face. She didn't want to believe it, couldn't accept that it was true. She had to get away from this horrible place, get away from this thing she had once called a life. She pushed on Carter's chest, trying to get him to release her. He gripped her more tightly. "Let go of me Carter!" she shrieked.  
But Carter held her tightly. She fought him for a few more seconds, but then it was as if all the fight leaked out of her, and she simply stood there, wondering what to do next. Carter led her into the living room and sat her down on the couch. "Stay right here; I'm going to go and check her." Abby, numb with grief, could only nod.  
Carter walked back into the bedroom. He knelt down on the floor beside Maggie. He pressed his fingers to her neck, and felt what he knew he would feel: nothing. Her skin was cold and hard. He tried to bend her fingers, and found them stiff and unrelenting. Carter slowly stood to his feet. His worst nightmare was true. Maggie was dead.

As soon as Abby saw his face, she knew what had happened. "She's dead, isn't she?" she asked him, fearing the answer.  
Carter nodded solemnly. Abby squeezed her eyes shut, but she couldn't keep the tears from escaping. "How could they do this to me?" she whispered. She felt like her whole world had collapsed. Now, she didn't have any family left. She was all alone.  
Abby got up slowly and walked out the door. Carter followed behind her. When he saw that she was walking past the car, he grabbed her arm. "Where are you going?" he asked her.  
Abby threw up her arms. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. My whole family is dead. Am I supposed to just go back to Chicago and pretend like everything's normal?" Tears were running down her face, but she didn't seem to care. "I can't believe they did this. I just...I can't believe they would do this to me." Abby broke off her statement, unable to go on.  
Carter wrapped his arms around her. "Let's just take this one day at a time," he said comfortingly. He rubbed her back, wishing he could take her pain away.

The police inspectors stepped over the yellow police tape to get into the bedroom. One of them was questioning Carter about the exact circumstances under which they had arrived at the house.  
No one was questioning Abby. She sat to the sofa, unmoving. People walked past her, officers tried to talk to her, but she said nothing. She simply stared off into space. Finally, when a third detective came to "get some answers", the forensics expert said, "For God's sake, she's in shock. Leave her alone." After that, she was left alone.  
So she simply sat there, wondering what came next. She didn't want to get up off this sofa; she didn't want to go back to Chicago and pretend everything was fine. She wanted to just sit here until everything was better, until her mother and brother were back. She didn't want her life to continue until they were here with her.  
She wondered if it was just some kind of sick coincidence that they had killed themselves in the same week. Or maybe she was just that unlucky. She tried to imagine what her life would be like without them. She had taken it for granted that Maggie would always be there, interfering with her life. And now, she was gone. Forever. She would never see Maggie again. For some reason, that thought made her unimaginably sad.  
"Abby?" Carter said, walking over to the sofa. She did not respond. "The cops said we can go home now." She said nothing. "Abby?"  
He realized she must be in shock, which surprised him. She had seemed fine when he first told her; it was only now that she was silent. He realized that maybe the best thing for her would be to go home. "C'mon, Abby; we're going home." He hoisted Abby up off the couch, and half-dragged her towards the door. "You'll feel better when we get home," he told her, and he hoped he was right.

"How is she?"  
Carter sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Terrible," he admitted. "But I guess that's the best you can expect, given the circumstances."  
Susan plopped down next to him on the couch. "This must be so hard for her. I can't imagine what I'd do if my whole family...did this." Susan couldn't bring herself to say the word. "Do you think she's gonna be okay?"  
"I don't know. She's taking this really hard. She blames herself for the whole thing."  
"Maybe I can talk to her. Is she awake?"  
Carter shook his head. "She's finally asleep. She's been up ever since we got back. She needs the rest."  
Susan picked up the remote and turned down the volume on the TV, with neither of them was watching. "Do you know why Maggie did it?"  
Carter nodded. He showed her the letter. "The cops found this on Maggie's night table," he said, handing it to her.  
Susan read the first line and was so surprised that she dropped the letter. "WHAT?" she said, then remembered that Abby was sleeping and lowered her voice. "Wha- what is this?" she stammered, looking to Carter for an explanation.  
"Just read it," Carter said grimly. She did.  
"Oh, my God," she breathed once she had read the letter. "Maggie probably killed herself after she read this," she realized.  
Carter nodded. "I think so." He shook his head. "This whole thing was just one big, stupid mistake."  
They heard footsteps behind them, and turned around. There, wrapped in a blanket, was Abby. Trying to steady her voice, she said, "What's in the letter?"


	7. The Letter

Chapter 7  
Carter and Susan exchanged a nervous glance. They knew how upset Abby was; reading the letter would just make her feel worse. But she had heard them talking about it, so there wasn't much they could do but let her read it. Reluctantly, Susan handed her the letter.  
Abby slowly unfolded the letter and began to read.  
  
Dear Mom, I killed Abby. I'm very sorry. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to. I got mad at her and killed her with a knife. She's dead now, and it's all my fault. I still have the knife. I'm going to use it to kill myself now. It is the only way. I can never live with the guilt of knowing that I killed my own sister. I didn't mean to do this. It's the disease. It made me into a terrible person. I can't live like this.  
  
Eric  
  
P.S. I'm sorry.  
  
Frozen with shock, Abby gripped the letter as she read it once again. "I don't understand," she whispered, clutching the piece of paper. It was the last thing Eric would ever write. "Eric thought he killed me?"  
Carter nodded. "I don't know why, but he did."  
Abby suddenly realized something. "Maggie killed herself because of this letter." She gulped back her tears, then continued. "She killed herself because she thought we were both dead."  
Both Carter and Susan kept their eyes on Abby, wondering how she would respond to this terrible news. She stood there, stock still, absorbing this new information. Suddenly, with a ferocity that Carter had never seen in her before, she ripped the letter in half and threw it on the floor. "Why did this have to happen?" she screamed. "This is so unfair! It's so STUPID!"  
By now she was sobbing uncontrollably. Carter stood up and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry, Abby," he said. He didn't know what else to say.  
Abby pushed him away. "Get off of me!" she screamed. "You can't make everything better!" She ran into her room and slammed the door.  
Carter and Susan exchanged a sad glance as Abby's mournful sobs echoed out of the bedroom.  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Abby?"  
Carter nudged open the door to the bedroom with his foot. "Abby? Are you in here?"  
It was a stupid question. Abby had to be in here; he had been in the living room, and there was no other way for her to get out. But yet, the room was silent as a tomb. He saw no sign of Abby.  
"Abby?"  
He opened the door to the bathroom, but still, he didn't see her. He was beginning to get worried; where was she?  
He walked back out of the bathroom, then he saw her, huddled behind the open bedroom door. He approached her cautiously. "Abby? You wanna talk?" He reached a hand towards her.  
"Don't come near me, Carter," Abby hissed. Her face was red and puffy from all the crying, and her words came out somewhat slurred. Carter stomach lurched. He wished Eric and Maggie could see what they had done to her.  
"I know you feel terrible-"  
"You don't know anything. You don't know how I feel. You don't have any idea how I feel, so don't con yourself into thinking that you do." Her voice was thick with grief. Carter wished he could take her in his arms and make all her pain go away, but she had made it clear that she didn't even want him in the same room as her.  
"I think you should leave," she said darkly.  
He knew this was coming. He knew she would try to get him to abandon her too, so that then she would be all alone. Once everyone she loved had deserted her, what would she do? Carter couldn't make himself think about that. He had already decided that he wouldn't abandon her, and nothing she said would change his mind.  
"I'm not going anywhere," he said firmly. He knew she didn't want him to leave, didn't need him to.  
"I said go!" When he didn't respond, she added, "I don't want you here. Get out."  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
Abby ran into her room and slammed the door. She couldn't believe this. Eric and Maggie were both dead, and it was all because of her. She had never thought it was possible to feel this much pain. She felt like she was suffocating, like she had to do something before she exploded.  
So she cried. She cried inconsolably, longer and harder than she ever had before. She knew she was acting like a maniac; she knew Carter and Susan could probably hear her, but she didn't care. It didn't matter anymore; nothing did.  
She didn't see how things could ever be better, how she would ever be happy again. She was responsible for her mother and brother's deaths. How could she live with that?  
It was crushing her, overwhelming her. The guilt, the pain. "I want them back," she moaned. "What can I do to get them back?"  
But there was nothing she could do. They were gone forever, and she would never see them, or talk to them, or touch them again. Abby felt fresh tears come to her face, and she crawled behind the door and huddled up.  
When she was done crying, she lay on the floor, curled in a ball. What was she supposed to do now? How could she make the pain go away?  
She craved alcohol, or anything else that would dull her senses and make her forget, just for one night, how miserable her life was. But even if she drank, she would still have to wake up the next morning. She couldn't stay drunk for the rest of her life. What could she do that would last longer than alcohol?  
The door creaked open, and Carter walked in. She watched as he crept towards the bathroom, softly calling her name. She wanted to throw herself in her arms and let him make everything better. But he couldn't; no one could. Maggie and Eric were dead forever, and crying on Carter's shoulder wouldn't fix anything.  
She could remember a time when she had trusted him more than anything. That was before he left her, abandoned her just like everyone else. Now, he was trying to pretend he was still the same caring person, but Abby had seen his true colors. He had let her down in her time of need, and she would never trust him again. Now she just wanted him to get out of her apartment.  
"Abby? You wanna talk?"  
She was repulsed by his hand extended towards her, his lying, deceitful hand. How could he pretend to still care about her when he had abandoned her? She wanted to bite his hand off, but instead she settled for saying, "Don't come near me, Carter," in as hostile a voice as she could manage.  
Still, Carter came near her. What, was he deaf, or just stupid? She could feel her anger building, and when he said, "I know you feel terrible- " she couldn't contain herself.  
"You don't know anything. You don't know how I feel. You don't have any idea how I feel, so don't con yourself into thinking that you do." She was furious with him. He left her last time she had needed him, and now he was trying to pretend that it had never happened. She just wanted him out of her life, with his phony compassion.  
"I think you should leave," she told him. She just wanted him to get out, and leave her alone.  
"I'm not going anywhere," he said arrogantly.  
She couldn't believe his nerve! Who did he think he was, telling her that he wasn't going to leave HER apartment!  
"I said go!" she snapped at him. He just stood there cockily, with the "concerned boyfriend" look plastered on his face. She wanted to push him out the window, see if he looked so cocky then. "I don't want you here. Get out."  
He kneeled down next to her. "I'm not gonna leave you, Abby," he said.  
She snapped. "Who do you think you are?" she screamed at him. "GET OUT! This is MY apartment!" She pushed him away from her and stormed out of the room.  
She flopped down on the couch and was furious to see that Carter had sat down next to her. What was he, her stalker? Ignoring him, she pulled on her shoes.  
"Where ya going?" Carter asked, trying to sound casual. Abby ignored him. Why wouldn't she talk to him? She looked mad, and he didn't know why.  
"None of your business," she replied, not even pretending to be polite. She headed towards the door.  
"I'll come with you," he said, hopping up from the couch. He wasn't sure what was going through her mind right now, but he didn't think she needed to be alone.  
Abby stopped abruptly and turned to face him. "No, you will not. What you WILL do is get out of my apartment, and then go home and leave me alone. I don't need you harassing me." With that said, she stormed out of the door.  
Carter wondered what he should do. Was she okay? She was acting so strangely, he wondered if she would be alright. He made up his mind to follow her. He had to make sure she was okay. 


	8. Good Times

Chapter 8  
Abby hadn't bothered to get her coat. The cold wind pierced her unprotected flesh like a knife. She stuck her hands in her pockets, but that didn't do anything for the rest of her body.  
She was freezing, but she didn't care. She just wanted to get away from it all, from the horrible guilt and the pain. There was nothing left for her in life. She had to leave.  
She considered what would be the easiest way to do it. She didn't want to bother with anything messy, like guns or knives. Maybe she should just sit outside until she froze to death. That should work; homeless people did it all the time.  
Abby felt as if her whole life had become a void. Just a week ago she was happy, normal. Now, she couldn't even remember what normal was. All she knew was misery. She couldn't bear any more of it.  
She walked into the park and saw little children laughing and playing. A little boy picked up a snowball and flung it at a little girl, who shrieked and hid behind a tree, laughing. Abby's heart ached. She remembered when she was like that. Happy and free, with not a care in the world but what patients she had had yesterday, what she and Carter were going to do tonight. She wished she could have that part of her life back.  
She sat down on a bench and waited to freeze. She wondered how long it was going to take. She was already shivering, almost uncontrollably. She took her hands out of her pockets. Might as well get it over with.  
A teenage boy and girl were walking along the path in the park. A boy whispered something to the girl and kissed her on the cheek. The girl smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her as they walked past Abby.  
Abby's eyes filled with tears. She remembered when she and Carter were like that; walking through the park, happy with each other, not caring who saw them. She wished that they were still like that.  
On cue, Carter walked up a path in the park. "Abby? Why're you sitting out here in the cold?"  
Abby wanted to reach out to him, to cry on his shoulder, to let him comfort her. But she couldn't; she had already made up her mind about that. So instead, she went on the offensive. "Why were you following me?" she snapped angrily, but the effect was ruined because her teeth were chattering so hard.  
Carter looked down at her. He could tell how much she was hurting. He wished she would let him help her. "I was worried, Abby. I saw how upset you were, and I wanted to make sure you were okay." He pulled off his coat and moved to put it over her shoulders. "It's freezing out here; let's go home."  
Abby pushed his coat away. Did he really think some stupid coat would make up for abandoning her? "I don't want your coat, Carter. Leave me alone."  
Carter stood, his coat in his hands, wondering what to do. He couldn't leave her out here alone, that was for sure. It was only 20 degrees out here; he had to convince her to come back to her apartment before she froze. "Abby, it's below freezing out here, and you don't have a coat. We need to go inside, okay?" He put his hand under her arm in an attempt to get her off the bench.  
"Get off me!" she screamed, drawing several curious glances from passersby. "I don't need your help, and I don't need you, so just leave me alone!" She snatched her arm out of his grip and stormed away from him. Did he have to ruin everything? Now she would have to find someplace else to freeze.  
She was furious when she realized that Carter was still following her. Who did he think he was? She was so mad at him, she wanted to push him in the river. Why didn't he just leave her alone; he had already proven that he knew how. She was infuriated about this whole situation, and Carter made a very convenient target for her anger. He had left her, just like everyone else, except he was trying to pretend that he hadn't.  
She twirled around abruptly to face him. He was following her so closely that he almost ran into her. "Stop following me!" she yelled at him. Why wouldn't he just go away?  
Carter folded his arms stubbornly. "Abby, are you okay?" he asked her quietly.  
"What do you think? My whole family just killed themselves! Is that a situation where you're supposed to be okay?"  
"Abby, I just don't want you to do something you'll regret. I know you're upset, but-"  
"You don't know ANYTHING!" she screamed at him. She walked away, but he was STILL following her! Angrily, she stomped home. There was no use being out here if Carter was here.  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
"Hey, Abby."  
Abby lifted her head to see Susan standing by her bed awkwardly. "Hi, Susan." She rolled over onto her back. "I guess you're taking over Abby- watching duty so Carter can have a break."  
Susan looked down at her feet. She didn't answer, because that was exactly what she was doing. "How're you doing?" she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.  
Abby sighed. "Just peachy, Susan," she said sarcastically. Susan looked down, and Abby felt bad. After all, Susan hadn't done anything. Maybe she should be a little nicer to Susan. At least Carter was gone; she could be grateful to Susan for that.  
In fact, right now Carter was probably out rejoicing because he finally got a break from his self-imposed 24-hour watch on Abby. She had felt like she would go insane with him inhabiting her apartment, unwanted, around the clock. She just wanted him to leave her alone so she could put her plan into action.  
Over the past few days, all the feelings she had had for Carter (and everyone else, for that matter,) had been replaced with a cold, icy numbness. Every time she thought that maybe she should talk to Carter about how terrible she felt, she just reminded herself that it wouldn't change anything. Maggie and Eric would still be dead, no matter how many feelings she expressed. So what was the point?  
So she was silent. She didn't talk to Carter, she didn't talk to anyone. The perpetual flow of questions he asked her were answered with icy scowls. In fact, the three words she had spoken to Susan were the first she had spoken since she yelled at Carter in the park.  
"Wanna talk?" Susan asked, and Abby couldn't hold back a sigh. Why did everyone think she wanted to talk? Wouldn't it be a pleasant surprise if, the next time a co-worker dropped in for an unexpected visit, they asked her to dance instead? Abby realized that her thoughts were wandering, and that she hadn't answered Susan's question. "Not particularly."  
Susan smiled. "Well, you wanna watch TV or something? I know you must be tired of Carter."  
Abby found herself nodding in agreement. "Am I ever. Is there anything on this time of day besides soaps?" she asked, sitting upright on the bed. A little girl time might be nice. And besides, the more time she spent with Susan, the less she would have to spend with Carter. 


	9. Bad Times

Chapter 9  
When Carter heard the sounds coming from the apartment, he couldn't believe it. He pressed his ear to the door, sure that his ears were deceiving him.  
No, it was real, he had heard what he thought. His face broke into a smile as he heard Abby say, "No, not him, the one with the -ahem- large ears."  
Susan responded, "You mean old DUMBO Roberts? You can't be serious." They both burst into laughter.  
Carter smiled. He had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, but for the first time in days, Abby was happy.  
He wondered why he wasn't able to make her happy. For the past two days, she had been giving him the silent treatment, and he could tell that she didn't want him in her apartment. He had thought that maybe she just wanted to be alone after what had happened, but now here she was, laughing and talking with Susan. Maybe she just wanted to spend time with another woman.  
But he was her boyfriend! He didn't understand why she was so hostile towards him. Maybe it was because she was still afraid that he would leave, just like everyone else. Well, he wasn't leaving. He didn't care how much Abby ignored him, he was going to stay by her side. Hopefully, things wouldn't be so tense between them when she realized that he was here for the long haul.  
Carter heard another laugh coming from the apartment, and he turned away from the door. They were having fun; he would leave them alone. He decided to come back later.  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
Abby felt guilty about having so much fun with Susan. Her mother and brother had just died, and here she was laughing it up with a girlfriend. It just didn't seem right somehow.  
She hadn't thought it was possible to laugh like that again. But when they had started talking about movie stars they had liked when they were little girls, she found herself laughing before she could control it. She had forgotten what it was like to have fun like that. Maybe things could be better again, somehow.  
No, they couldn't. It was just like drinking. She had been happy for the few hours that Susan was there, but now that she was gone, Abby felt just a depressed as before. She couldn't forget that, despite a visit from a friend, she was all alone. Well, except for Carter. He was still hanging around her apartment, asking her if she wanted anything, trying to get her to talk. He was really beginning to annoy her.  
She felt the same despair that she had been living with for days settle around her heart. What was she going to do?  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
"I'm making dinner; you want some?"  
Silence.  
Carter sighed and put down the pot full of water. He walked over to the sofa and sat down next to Abby. "Are you just gonna ignore me for the rest of your life?"  
"No, just until you get out of my apartment," Abby snapped back.  
"Why are you so mad at me?" Carter asked her.  
Abby stared at him. Did he really not know? How could he think that he could leave her once, and then things would just go on as they had before?  
Well, if he was too stupid to understand, she wasn't going to explain it to him. Maybe if she left, he would be gone when she came back.  
Well, probably not, but she could dream, couldn't she? She put on her shoes.  
"Where are you going?" Carter asked, following her over to the door.  
"Gee, I dunno, Dad. Is it okay if I cross the street by myself tonight?" she asked him sarcastically.  
Carter sighed. "I'm sorry, Abby. It's just- I'm worried about you."  
Abby didn't want to get roped into this discussion again. "Well, see you later!" she said, exiting quickly. She had no idea where she was going; she just wanted to get away from Carter.  
She found herself walking up the stairs instead of down. "Well, I guess I'll go up to the roof," she said to herself.  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
When I get up to the roof, I discover that it's just as cold as the weatherman said it was: 6 below. I feel like I'm naked and wet; my turtleneck and jeans offer no protection against the bitter cold.  
I walk over to the edge of the roof and look down. The ground looks so far away. I wonder what would happen if I jumped.  
I wouldn't have to worry about Maggie and Eric anymore, that's what. I think of the time Maggie took me and Eric to the carnival and- no, it hurts my brain too much, I have to stop thinking about them. I have to stop thinking about the good times I've had with my family, times I will never have again.  
But how can I stop? How can I command my brain to never think about Maggie or Eric ever again? I realize that the only way I could do this is if my brain isn't thinking about anything. Maybe I should jump.  
I carefully step over the three foot safety railing that surrounds the roof. Just one little push, and I won't have to worry about either one of them again. I won't have to wonder why I'm such a hateable person that both my mother AND my brother killed themselves just so they could get away from me. Oh, and Carter. Can't forget about him. I'm so loveable that my so- called boyfriend abandoned me when I needed him most. I'm not doing anybody any good, so why am I still here?  
I imagine someone coming from behind and pushing me. That would be much easier that having to push myself.  
Oh, no. I'm thinking about Eric again. How he used to look so cute when he cried. Now I'm crying, too.  
"How could they leave me all alone like this?" I moan, my body racked with sobs. I lean over, so far that a simple wind would be enough to send me careening off the edge of the building, off the edge of my miserable existence. I might not even need that push.  
Then I see someone approaching me from the stairs. Maybe I'll get that push after all.  
Or maybe not. I realize that it's Carter. I really should jump before he gets any closer.  
He comes within ten feet of me. I can tell he's not sure what I'm doing. In a wavering voice, he says, "Abby?" 


	10. Up On The Rooftop

Chapter 10  
"Carter?" Abby said, mocking him.  
"Wha-what are you doing out here?" Carter asked, approaching her slowly.  
Abby rolled her eyes. Could he possibly be that dense? "What does it look like I'm doing, Carter?" she asked, looking over the edge. Just one little push...  
Carter was panicked. Was she about to jump? He didn't know what to do. "Come down from there, Abby. You could get hurt," he said, praying this was all just a big misunderstanding.  
Abby gave a short, harsh laugh. "Really? I could get hurt? You mean the kind of hurt that Maggie and Eric got? Wow, I hadn't considered that," she murmured thoughtfully. She pressed her finger to the side of her face as if she was in deep thought.  
And she was. She was wondering why Carter didn't just leave her alone. She didn't want to jump with him right here!  
But he would leave, just like he had before. She was sure of it. Then, she would be free to jump.  
Carter took another step towards her. "Stop! Don't come any closer. I don't want you near me." She prayed that these words would be enough to send him flouncing back down the stairs in a pout. Then, she would be alone again.  
Carter stopped in his tracks. Would she really jump? He had no idea. He wished he had tried harder to talk to her earlier. She had been silent, but he thought that was her way of dealing with it. Now, he realized that she was just building up to this. "Please, don't jump, Abby," he said, a worried expression on his face.  
"Oh, spare me the false compassion," she said. "Don't try to pretend you care now."  
"I do care, Abby. I don't want you to do this. I love you."  
"Oh, so now you love me," she retorted.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Carter asked, confused. What was Abby talking about?  
"You didn't love me when you LEFT me, when you ran off to Africa to play jungle doctor. You showed me then what was really important. Well, there's no one around, Carter. You can drop the caring boyfriend act now, and just be yourself."  
Carter remembered at the hospital, when he had promised himself that he would talk to her about their relationship as soon as she woke up. What had happened? How had he put it off for so long?  
He had hoped that maybe she had forgotten, but she had not. Now, it was staring him right in the face, and they had to talk about it- now.  
He started to move toward her, but then remembered what she had said. So he stood there awkwardly in the middle of the roof, trying to figure out what words he could say that would keep her from jumping. "Abby, when Gamma died, I just felt...so messed up and confused, I knew I just had to get out of here, get away from everything. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but...you know how it feels now. You know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, how it makes you just want to push everyone away from you. I've tried to be here for you now, throughout this whole thing. I'm sorry for leaving. I just needed some time to sort things out." He paused, not sure of how to continue.  
Abby shook her head. "No," she said. "No. You're not just going to come up with some little neat explanation, and now I'm just supposed to happily go on with my life. NO! You LEFT me, Carter! You left me just like everyone else!" Abby stopped for a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. When she continued, her voice was thick with crying. "So just go ahead and leave me now."  
"I'm not leaving, Abby. I want to help you."  
Abby looked into his eyes. "Then give me a push."  
"No, Abby. I'm not going to push you, and you're not going to push yourself. You don't have to do this."  
Abby nodded her head rapidly. "Yes, I do. This is the only way. Eric killed himself, and when Maggie found out, she killed herself. I found out about Maggie, and now it's my turn. It's a chain reaction, Carter. That's the way we Wyczenskis do things." Abby slipped one foot off the flat surface of the roof. What would it feel like to slip both off, to feel the air flying by her, to know that she would only exist for a few seconds longer?  
"It doesn't have to be that way, Abby. YOU can break the chain."  
"I've never been much of a trendsetter," Abby said quietly. "I think I'll just follow the crowd on this one."  
Carter stepped towards her. "Do you know how terrible I'd feel if you jumped right now, and I'd have to wonder for the rest of my life if I could've saved you?"  
"Don't try and guilt me out of this, Carter; don't you dare. I've had enough guilt put on me by everyone else without you doing it too." Abby crept closer to the edge. Just a little bit further...  
Carter decided to try a different tactic. "Abby, please. I need you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I can't imagine what I would do if you weren't in my life." And that was true. Already, horrible images were flashing through his mind: attending Abby's funeral, Abby's broken, bloody body on the street below, Abby's screams as she hit the pavement. He imagined sitting alone by her grave, wondering what he could have done to save her. He couldn't let that happen; he had to stop her.  
Abby stopped at the sound of his last words. He loved her. She hadn't heard him say that in so long. "I love you too, Carter. But I can't deal with this. I- I can't do this," Abby said softly, blinking back tears.  
"Let me help you, Abby. I know this is hard, but we can work through it together." Carter took another step towards her. They were less than three feet apart now. Close enough that he could grab her and drag her over the railing, if need be.  
"I just- how am I supposed to live with this, knowing that I killed them? How can I have a normal life with that thought shadowing everything I do?"  
"Abby, you didn't kill them; they killed themselves. No matter what you may think, you are not responsible for this." Abby didn't respond, and he could tell that she didn't believe him. "Abby. Look at me." She raised her tear-stained face to meet his. "I know that all this guilt and pain seems like too much to bear right now, but it will get easier as time passes, I promise. You still have so much of your life left; you can't just give up like this."  
Abby burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. She heard Carter approaching her, but was too consumed by her tears to do anything to try and stop him. She was vaguely aware of Carter lifting her over the railing and wrapping his arms around her. "It's okay, baby," he said, rubbing her back as she cried.  
Abby felt like a dam had burst inside her, and all of her feelings came gushing out. It felt so good to be crying, to feel Carter's arms encircling her. She had kept everything bottled up inside of her for so long, and now it came spewing out.  
She felt Carter rubbing her back, and wished she could stay in his arms forever. It was a safe place, one where she didn't have to worry about what she was going to do about all of her problems.  
"Thank you," she whispered into his shirt once she had finished crying.  
"I love you," he responded.  
"I think you're supposed to say you're welcome," she said, and they laughed. It was the first laugh they had shared in weeks.  
"Ready to go back to your apartment?" Carter asked her. She nodded and leaned against his shoulder. As Carter led her downstairs, she had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, things would be okay. 


	11. Life Goes On

Chapter 11 A/N: I'd like to thank Emily(CarbyLuv) for heckling, badgering, and generally harassing me into finishing this chapter. I couldn't have done it without you ;).  
  
"She was a wonderful woman. She knew how to make people smile, and she always had something nice to say about everyone. She was-"  
"You know, I'm not dead yet, Carter," Weaver observed, and everyone burst into laughter.  
Carter smiled good-naturedly. "I know, but we'll all miss you."  
"And you're dead to us at County!" Susan remarked cheerfully, which sparked another round of laughter.  
"Yup, dead as a doornail," Jerry agreed.  
Abby entered the room. "What's so funny, guys?" she asked, looking at the "We'll Miss You Weaver" banner strung across the lounge.  
"Um, nothing," Susan said. Everyone else was looking at the walls, the ceiling, anywhere but Abby.  
"Okay people, until tomorrow I'm still in charge of this ER, so let's get back to work," Weaver said. The crowd quickly disbanded. In less than thirty seconds, the lounge was empty.  
Abby sighed. "This is worse than when Eric was missing," she observed grimly. "Every time I come into a room, everybody stops talking."  
"Well, everyone's worried about you. You know that."  
"I know. But everyone's treating me like I'm made of glass. It's like they think if they tell a joke in my presence I'll self-destruct."  
Carter smiled. "It'll get better, I promise. In a few months somebody else'll die and everybody will forget all about you." Then Carter realized how rude his comment was, and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"  
"It's okay," Abby said, attempting a smile. "When are you off?"  
"In an hour. You?"  
"Now. I just came in here to get my stuff." Abby walked over to her locker.  
"I guess that means you won't wait for me?" Carter asked pitifully.  
"Don't do that."  
"Do what?" Carter asked innocently.  
"Make that sad little face, so I feel like Satan's accomplice if I don't wait for you."  
Carter shrugged. "Well, if you wait for me, I'll take you out to lunch," he enticed.  
Abby laughed. "How generous of you."  
"So you'll wait for me?"  
Abby shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not making any promises."  
Chuny poked her head in the lounge. "Carter, Abby, we've got multiple MVA's coming in," she said.  
"I'm off," Abby announced, snatching off her I.D. tag to prove her point. "But Carter isn't," she added smiling sweetly.  
Carter pretended to be mad at her. "Thanks a lot, Abby," he said, trying to scowl. He got halfway out the door, then, "I'll buy you ice cream if you wait for me. Deal?"  
Abby shrugged once again. Sighing loudly, Carter left the lounge.  
Abby flopped down on the couch and thought about the words she had heard right before she entered the lounge. Dead as a doornail. What had they been talking about? She had no idea, but it was strange how even hearing the phrase brought tears to her eyes.  
Dead as a doornail. Just like Maggie and Eric.  
She had thought it would get easier. Everyone had said so, even the grief counselor Carter had forced her to see. "Over time, the pain will become less acute," the woman had said.  
At the time, Abby had sardonically thought, Is she trying to impress me with her medical jargon? Abby had barely listened to the stream of words that seemed to flow out of the woman's mouth faster than water. Of course, that had been the very day after what Abby had come to think of as The Rooftop Encounter.  
Abby's face burned with shame when she remembered the day. Had she really swung her legs off the edge of the roof and wondered how it would feel to fall? Had she really wished Carter would push her?  
As hard to believe as it was, she knew it had happened, because she remembered it. That had been such a sad day. Everything had hurt so much; she just wanted the pain to stop.  
She remembered how panicked Carter had been when they got back to her apartment. She thought he was annoying before; after that, he wouldn't even leave her side. He had practically dragged her to meetings with the grief counselor, the first of which had been spent in stony silence on Abby's part.  
Had things gotten better? She really couldn't tell. It still hurt so bad to think about them, her family members who had thrown their lives away so carelessly. It was almost a physical pain, she was so conscious of their absence. And she couldn't look at an old family picture without crying. She missed them so much. She hadn't realized how much they meant to her until they were gone.  
I guess it is a little easier now, she finally decided. At least now I don't want to throw myself off a roof. She shuddered when she imagined what would have happened to her if Carter hadn't followed her up to the roof.  
I wouldn't be here right now, she realized. I would be with Maggie and Eric, wherever they are.  
And I would be no better than them, she thought. In fact, I would be just like them. Selfish, not thinking about anyone but myself. Not caring how Carter would feel when he heard the sirens, when he saw the body. Not thinking about how everyone would feel when they found out I was dead, when they thought about what they could have done to help me. They would feel exactly like I felt when I read the letter: terribly, horribly guilty.  
Would things ever be the same again? Abby didn't think they would. No matter how much time went by, she would always remember how much Maggie and Eric had meant to her, how much it hurt her when their lives were ripped away. She would never forget the happy times she had had with them, even Maggie.  
But now, she could think about them without crying, as long as she didn't think about them for too long. They would always have a special place in her heart, but over the past few weeks, Abby had come to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could live without them.  
"Ready to go?"  
The voice jolted Abby out of her reverie. "What?" she asked, startled, looking up at Carter, who was standing over her.  
"I didn't expect you to be waiting after all this time. I guess you really wanted that ice cream, huh?"  
"I guess so," Abby said. Then, remembering his question, she said, "Yeah, I'm ready."  
"Okay, let's go," Carter said, extending his hand. Abby took it, and she felt almost happy as they walked out of the ER doors arm in arm. Yep, she thought, things are gonna be okay.  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Okay, enough Mr. Nice Guy. GET YOUR BUTT DOWN THERE AND HIT THE REVIEW BUTTON!!! Oh, and if you already did, ignore that last statement 


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